Jewish Humor

Some Phyllis Diller Quotes:

  • Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • The reason why most women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never want to wear the same outfit in public.
  • The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford, then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. But fortunately this is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • I admit that I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.
  • Tranquilizers only work if you follow the advice on the bottle – Keep away from children.
  • The reason why the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing.

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