Over the Counter Medical advice

COSTCO DOCTOR:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Scott replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, John deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Costco.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, John began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

John hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. ( Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. ( Aisle 7 )
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

Humor

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Humor

Humor

Maurice shows up at his favorite watering hole with a glum look on his face, sits down at the bar and orders a beer.

“What’s the matter Maurice, why so down and out? queries the bartender.

“Oh hell, I’ve had this fear of monsters under the bed since I was a kid.” I found a shrink that says he can rid me of this, but it is going to cost me $200 an hour and will take maybe four months.” “I can’t afford those rates.”

“I can help cure that and it won’t take four months nor cost $200 an hour” the bar keep told Maurice.

“Really?’ replied Maurice. “That would be wonderful. How can you do that.”

“Cut the legs off the bed”, said the barkeep.

Humor

A man slides into a bar looking quite glum, tells the beer-keep to line up 8 shot glasses and fill them up.

As fast as the barman can pour this guy tosses them down.

“Damn” says the tender. “I’ve never seen anyone drink that fast.”

The customer opined that, “The bartender would drink like that if he had what the man says he has.”

“My God, what do you have?”

“Two dollars” came back the answer.

Humor

Little Johnny Strikes Again,

Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. elementary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked Mr. Schumer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘Tragedy’.
So, Mr. Schumer asked the class for an example of a ‘Tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing’ in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Incorrect,’ said Schumer. ‘That would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.

‘I’m afraid not’, explained Schumer, ‘that’s what we would refer to as a great loss’

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer searched the room.  ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand and said: ‘If an airplane carrying you, Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters, Dick Durban, Adam Shiff, Dick Blumenthal, the Obamas and the Clintons was struck by a friendly fire’ missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’

‘Fantastic’ exclaimed Schumer, ‘and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?’

‘Well’, said Johnny, ‘it has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a freaking accident.

Humor

The downside to this is that “No good deed goes unpunished”. Whacking these malicious hate-mongering portals of fake news is a mirthful event. The only question left unanswered is why not the NY Times? One can only hope…

Origin of virus that hobbled newspapers still unclear

The origins of a suspected computer attack that disrupted the Los Angeles Times and Tribune Publishing newspapers remained unclear Sunday after causing delivery delays and being brought to the attention of federal investigators.

San Diego Union-Tribune Publisher Jeff Light described the incident as “what now seems to have been a malicious attack on the company by computer hackers” in a message posted to the newspaper’s website. He told readers the disruption had mostly seemed to have been brought under control.

The suspected attack prevented the Chicago Tribune, the Baltimore Sun and other papers from publishing paid death notices and classified ads Saturday. But Tribune Publishing has said no news websites were affected and no customer information was compromised. [snip]

Hey, this was a good shot to the kishkas; going after the money source really disrupts.

The Los Angeles Times, citing “several individuals with knowledge of the Tribune situation,” reported that the attack appeared to be in the form of “Ryuk” ransomware. Tribune Publishing sold the Los Angeles Times and the San Diego Union-Tribune earlier this year for $500 million to biotech billionaire Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong, but the companies continue to share software, according to the newspaper.

An advisory by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ cybersecurity program earlier this year described “Ryuk” attacks as “highly-targeted, well-resourced and planned.” [snip]

If anyone thinks I’m going to shed tears over something like this, pick your second choice.

If these were real newspapers with REAL reporters perhaps a different opinion might be forthcoming.

Feelings

Word Play

• • • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
    • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
    • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
    • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
    • Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Snickers & Snarks

At election time

 

they all come out of

 

the wood pile.