Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

“Pick A Punchline” Friday

We’re juggling a lot of household chores in preparation for some major renovations (which you’ll hear about ad nauseam in the future) so decided to ignore what passes for news and just have a little TGIF fun today.

We can’t say exactly why we like giving these Earwigs cartoons an old and rumpled look, other than it’s fun to imagine them having been clipped from a really weird newspaper, perhaps on the same page as Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Which is also a story for another day…

On a different note entirely, this is Memorial Day weekend. Here’s hoping that you fly your flag and enjoy getting together with family and friends for lawn games, hot dogs on the grill, a brewski or two, and a nice thick slice of Mom’s apple pie.

And somewhere amidst the fun, be sure to take time to give thanks for those who sacrificed everything to give us the unimaginable freedoms and opportunities we enjoy every single day – even these days of apocalyptic, hair-on-fire hyperbole in the fake news media.

Especially make sure that any children (and at this point, we consider “children” to be anyone under 30) understands what this hallowed day is really about.

Have fun, stay safe, and watch out for those falling pianos!

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Manchester Terror

It’s happened again, as we all knew it would and, sadly, know it will again. A casual outing, a sudden explosion, and the death of innocents at the hands of a lunatic following an insane ideology.

ISIS is taking credit, which should certainly merit another “mother of all bombs” or even a low-yield nuke – whatever it takes to get their attention.

But as satisfying as that could be, it won’t immediately stop the danger from “lone wolf” operatives. And indeed, there is no way to stop the danger – only to reduce it, and even that at great cost.

The Manchester killer was known as a radical to British police and was, apparently pointlessly, “on their radar.” Which reflexively makes us wish that everyone on the radar was simply swept up and locked away. But is that really what we want?

Consider who was “on the radar” for terrorism under Barack Obama: “Right-wing extremists.” A group defined by Homeland Security as people who were pro-life, opposed to illegal immigration, those who resist federal takeover of the states, and military veterans.  Odds are everyone reading these words would fall into one or more of those “extreme” categories.

We simply can’t eliminate possible threats without the certainty of eliminating many of our protected freedoms. And the terrorists know it.

That being said, British authorities currently have a list of over 3500 “potential terrorists” including about 400 who left the UK to be trained by ISIS to fight in war zones like Syria and Iraq before returning to the UK. 

As counter-terror measures go, these people should be seen as low-hanging fruit: give them one week to get the hell out of the UK or lock them up. There are plenty of vacancies at Guantanamo.

Freedom-loving Western cultures can’t erase every risk. But we can and must take greater preemptive actions than are currently in play.

BONUS: MOUTHING OFF

On a less somber day, we would have enjoyed roasting Monica “Wet Clean Up, Aisle 7” Lewinsky for her appalling editorial in the New York Times, celebrating the death of Fox News’s Roger Ailes for allegedly exploiting her “personal tragedy.” But we’re not in the mood, so we’ll cut straight to the chase.

Lewinsky was a lying, lascivious little slut back in the day, and she remains unapologetic for her role (and roll in the hay) in disrupting American government. If Bill Clinton, that miserable tower of human excrement, hadn’t been busy fighting his removal from office, he might have actually been doing presidential things like, oh, nailing Osama bin Laden when he had multiple opportunities.

Would the World Trade Center towers have fallen if Bill Clinton’s pants hadn’t? We can’t know, but we can say with certainty that it’s at least possible that they wouldn’t have. Which is why, Monica, this appalling story isn’t really about you and never was. So do the decent thing, accept your shame, and – unlike your time spent kneeling on the Oval Office rug – shut your disgusting mouth.

BONUS TWO: SPEAKING OF ANNOYING WOMEN
Michelle Obana attempts a saucy, Jane Russell off-the-shoulder look…

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Freudian Slippery Slope

So far, it seems that President Trump is doing a great job on his Middle East tour, striking deals on commerce and international security, as well as projecting an unapologetic aura of (trigger warning to snowflakes!) manliness that we haven’t seen in the White House for a long time.

For instance, the Saudis invited Trump to participate in their traditional “sword bouncing” dance, an activity so hilariously phallic that it would make Anthony Weiner blush. This in marked contrast to Obama’s first visit to the Middle East, during which he bowed before every turban-topped head and was then told to stand with the women while holding a cat in front of his private regions (“Trust us, it’s traditional,” the potentates giggled).

And there’s a lot more testosterone in the President’s statements overseas than we saw previously. Obama, as we painfully recall, basically declared that Islam created everything good about Western civilization, and that the evil, moronic, Bible-clutching simpletons of the United States of America then screwed it all up. And regarding terror, Obama basically stuck to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s assessment that we were to blame for “America’s chickens coming home to roost.”

Trump is taking a different approach to terror, telling the Muslim world: “Religious leaders must make this absolutely clear: barbarism will deliver you no glory – piety to evil will bring you no dignity. If you choose the path of terror, you life will be empty, your life will be brief, and your soul will be condemned.”

Admit it, you can’t imagine those words coming out of Barry. While you don’t have to imagine that he actually declared, following the terrorists’ slaughter of our people in Benghazi, “the future must not belong to those who would slander the prophet of Islam.”

There may be those who complain that there’s too much of a men’s locker room atmosphere surrounding Trump…but to us, it smells like fresh air.
AND FROM THE VAULT…

(Thursday, April 9, 2009) The White House now denies that Obama bowed down to the Saudi King, despite video and photos to the contrary. They say that “the president is taller than the King, so he had to bend to shake hands.” Here’s a hint, Mr. president – when they’re looking down on the back of your head, you’re bending over too far. And too willingly.

It looks like Obama was eager to blow…a diplomatic opportunity.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

The Choir Infernal

Although it’s a bit early in our day (barely) for mixed drinks, we can’t help but indulge in mixed metaphors when trying to comprehend what’s going on in the news. Per the cartoon, we can’t quite decide whether the news broadcasts relating to the specious Trump/Russia investigation are coming from another planet, or whether the alleged journalists in the mainstream media have finally gone native, adorned themselves in grass skirts and war paint and, high on adrenalin and their own screaming chants, are now throwing spears at anything that moves.

Not since Michael Jackson set his noggin ablaze while shooting a Pepsi commercial have we seen so much “hair on fire” news. And we don’t get it.

Did the Russians hack our election? No. Did they “influence” the result of our election? There’s been no evidence of it. Did Trump conspire with Russia to make these non-events happen? Again, there’s not a scintilla of evidence. But you’d never know it from the rabid stories being reported virtually everywhere.

In some ways, we liken this phenomenon to the whole global warming sham – only now, instead of seeing “consensus science” we’re seeing “consensus journalism” in which a story without substance or evidence is declared to be incontrovertibly true simply because so many nitwits have agreed to report it.

It’s insanity, of course – and all the more frightening for that. We may be witnessing an attempted coup d’etat driven almost entirely by an overtly lying leftist media. And it’s additionally worrisome to think about how the ever-volatile President Trump might react; after all, he’s brought much of this situation upon himself (and us) with his Tourette’s-like need to tweet every half-baked thought which ricochets through the caverns of his mind.

We’d say more, only we’ve managed to stall long enough that it IS time for a nice mixed drink. We’re thinking cheap scotch mixed with an extra shot of our usual bile.

AND BECAUSE IT’S FRIDAY…

…we deserve a laugh, so here’s another old cartoon by Stilton’s father!

It’s not parking as long as you keep the motor running. So to speak.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

To Serve Americans

And some of us are ESPECIALLY good in taco bowls.

Mainstream media outlets are currently having screaming hissy fits over unsubstantiated reports that Donald Trump, noted lunatic, actually held a meeting with disgusting, potentially world-destroying Russian bastards and told them top secret anti-terror information which has only been widely reported in the world’s newspapers since last March.

This action is apparently the opening of the seventh seal, and the immediate cue for impending Armageddon, impeachment, or yet another humorless SNL skit for Alec “Duck Lips” Baldwin.

Owing to the fact that we don’t believe anything from the Left-leaning media these days, we find it very hard to get excited about all of this. However, in the interest of at least trying to understand the Liberals’ mindset on all of this, we’ve invented a fun game – and you can play along!

From now on, when you hear a story about Trump and the Russians, celebrate the word “Martians.” And go ahead and imagine they’re really bad ass Martians who want to eat our brains, defile our women, and get their own special restrooms. Now we can have all the terrifying fun the Lefties seem to be enjoying!

Although we shouldn’t make light of this very, very serious situation. Is it possible that Trump is babbling state secrets in an irresponsible manner? Hell yes! But is it worse than the way Hillary protected state secrets? Not so much.

Of course, we should take seriously the threat from the actual Russians. It was they, after all, who grabbed the DNC emails and shared them with Wikileaks, causing Hillary to lose the election, right? I mean, even lacking any evidence that it happened, we all KNOW it’s the truth because it’s been reported so often. But…

Now there’s a new wrinkle. It seems that rather than the big bad Russians, the DNC emails may actually have been sent to Wikileaks by a DNC staffer named Seth Rich who turned up mysteriously dead soon after the leaks were made public. Well, maybe not that mysteriously…

Dirty Hillary.

It seems fairly sure that Rich sent over 40,000 emails to Wikileaks – perhaps hoping to head off a presidency by a hopelessly corrupt Clinton crime syndicate. And according to a private investigator, police were told to “stand down” from investigating the murder (described as a “botched burglary” since the gunman had no interest in money or personal belongings).

Is the story true? We have no idea – but it has a LOT more credibility than the accusations being made against Trump. And certainly is more deserving of a special investigation than anything the President has been accused of doing.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Crispness

It is an inescapable fact of life that as we age, the advertisers who have paid for our demographic information will do their best to advertise products which they feel will appeal to our age-appropriate needs and passions. Not to mention our declining ability to make good fiscal decisions.

Which is why those of us in the Jarlsberg household have grown used to getting mailers and phone calls offering us invitations to retirement/investment seminars, annuity offers, brochures for cruise vacations, great deals on “to your door” catheter deliveries, Social Security supplemental insurance, and seemingly benign catalogs offering everything from compression socks and elevated toilet seats to anaconda-sized vibrating ding-dongs, and high-power “personal” vacuum pumps which, if you’re not feeling romantic, look perfectly capable of milking the cows in record time.

But with all that said, we hit a hilarious new low the other day when we received a big, cheery postcard letting us know that we could enjoy a FREE LUNCH AT RED LOBSTER just for sitting through a fun-filled seminar on getting cremated.

Yikes!

The mother and daughter on the invitation (shown above, though we added the flames) look like there couldn’t possibly be a more enjoyable outing than enjoying some crab cakes and cheesy bisquits while hearing how long your body will have to roast over open flames in order for the bones to get crunchy enough for for grinding, and what will happen to anything foreign which was still in your body, like fillings, a titanium hip joint, or perhaps an anaconda-sized vibrating ding-dong.

We can’t really think of a topic which would make us less enthusiastic about visiting Red Lobster, though we have to admit that we’re still considering attending just so that when the waiter comes for our order, we can say “I think I’ll have the blackened…” (point at other guest) “that guy.”

Not that we’re against cremation. When the time comes, we’re looking forward to that being our big, smudgy, final carbon footprint insult to Bill Nye, Al Gore, and Leonardo DeCaprio.

Plus, cremation can be a huge money-saver over traditional burial. For instance, our own parents had their “cremains” stored in a beautifully painted cookie tin which had been purchased at a garage sale only months before being pressed into service. “It will be handy for something,” our father said presciently.

Similarly, we’d like our own ashes to be kept in an urn which is unpretentious, a bit fun, and (like us) extremely cheap. A quick look online turned up these potential receptacles, all of which have varying degrees of appeal…

Haunted house, Frog Prince, Cthulu, or KFC bucket? So many tough choices!

Alternately, if our family doesn’t want us haunting our own home, they can cast the ashes into a few places we’ve suggested (including scenic vistas, the eyes of our enemies or, if subtlety is the goal, baked into brownies to be given as gifts).

In which case we’d still want an elegant and expensive-looking (albeit empty) urn bearing our name to be placed on the fireplace mantle and subsequently have it filled with hard pretzel chunks which could be casually munched for the sole purpose of freaking out sensitive guests.

We’re not sure what laws apply to this sort of thing, which is why we’re really looking forward to taking part in a robust question-and-answer session when we visit Red Lobster.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Federal Bureau of Incompetence

Few things fill our heart with joy as much as hearing the moist “Ker-SPLOOMF!” of exploding Liberal noggins – a sound we’re hearing a lot of following President Trump’s kinetic dismissal of former FBI Director James Comey.

Comey was, as you may recall, the Democrats’ “Public Enemy Number One” for interfering in the coronation of the breathtakingly corrupt woman who (along with the DNC) rigged the primary process to steal the nomination from the lovable old socialist who was spanking her in contest after contest.

Which is why Democrats have been screaming for Comey’s firing right up until the moment that Trump did fire him – at which point the Left suddenly decided that Comey was actually some kind of Jesus of Justice, and was being crucified for the sin of conducting an investigation into Trump’s alleged ties to Russia (“Operation Snipe Hunt”).

There are reports that Comey had recently requested more money for his Russian investigation, and the Lefties are citing this as not only the reason (and only reason) for his firing, but as proof of Trump’s guilt. Because who, other than a guilty man, would discourage an investigation?!

An innocent man, that’s who. An innocent man who already knows there’s no substance to the allegations, and sees no reason in funding a years-long political sideshow designed only to impede his Presidency.

Whatever your political ideology, it should be easy to agree that James Comey was an unpredictable, unprofessional, self-involved train wreck who had destroyed the credibility of his office and agency. Everyone should be glad to see him gone.

And if the Left isn’t glad, well, that’s just a free bonus.

How the Left imagines Trump’s dresser drawers