Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Ready, Blame, Fire!

Now that healthcare reform reform has been cancelled, two groups of people are celebrating. Those who love Obamacare the most, and those who hate Obamacare the most. In this way, President Trump has brought opposing political factions together in a way which we would like to call united, but will more accurately label as “schizophrenic” and probably dangerous.

At this point, it’s moot to debate the relative virtues or failures of the proposed GOP bill, but we are going to take strong exception to the idea that if the healthcare system is allowed to completely collapse in the next few years (which Trump is touting with Caligula-like glee), that America’s sick, dying, overcharged, and uninsured will blame the out-of-power Democrats for having created Obamacare, rather than the fat and happy Republican legislators who stood around this national bonfire roasting marshmallows and making s’mores.

Put another way, when Obamacare fails the voters will not reward the party that did nothing (even if the reasons were good), but will instead flock to the party that promises a quick and all encompassing fix – namely, a single-payer “Medicare For All” plan. That’s going to be the Democrats, which is hardly surprising: Obamacare was designed to fail after destroying the free market health insurance system, thereby leaving fully socialized medicine as the only viable alternative. And the Dems knew human nature well enough to understand that this would assure their party power.

We really hope we’re wrong about this, but ask yourself – if you were the patient in the cartoon above, who would you blame? The bad doctor who misdiagnosed you, or the good doctor who says he’ll watch you suffer or die just to teach the bad doctor a lesson? [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Uncomfortably Numbers

There are plenty of newsworthy things to talk about today, including radical Islamic terror, the impending (or not) House vote on Obamacare repeal, Trump’s surveillance accusations, mainstream media burying the story of illegal aliens raping a 14 year-old girl in a school bathroom, and Chuck Schumer declaring that the Democrats will filibuster Neil Gorsuch’s nomination for Supreme Court Justice in hopes of being rewarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife.

And why aren’t we talking about these juicy topics? Because instead of keeping up with the news, we’ve spent the entire day working on our freaking taxes.

And we aren’t even up to working on the actual, impenetrably baffling tax forms yet – a task which must be postponed until we’ve made a run to the liquor store. Rather, we’re still at the beginning of the process, doing our once-a-year data entry of receipts into an ancient accounting program that we don’t clearly remember how to use anymore.

As Life’s grand parade passes us by, we’re sitting scrunched at a desk squinting at every credit card charge, cancelled check, and crumpled receipt which passed through our underpaid hands in 2016…then peck-peck-pecking the numbers on a keyboard, hands cramping, until we want to scream.

The whole process is a white hot pain in the rear, but it’s very important to make sure that everything in our tax return is completely accurate and above board. Because 12 years from now it’s entirely possible that an older but no wiser Rachel Maddow may be waving our returns at a TV camera. [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Comeytose
We’re not at all sure that “ignorance is bliss,” but we’ve decided to at least give it a try when it comes to anything whatsoever that FBI Director James Comey has to say, now or in the future.

As we understand it (and trust us, we’re not trying very hard) Comey just testified that there’s no evidence whatsoever that Russia hacked the election, hacked election results, or attempted to influence the election any more than they’ve been attempting for decades.

However, the man who downgraded treasonous security breaches to “extreme carelessness” when Hillary snapped her fingers was perfectly willing to announce, with great seriousness and theatrically cocked eyebrow, that his agency (at the insistence of Democrats) is actively investigating any ties between Russia and Trump’s campaign…even though there may not be any.

Are there salient details that we’re missing here? It’s entirely possible – and we just don’t care. Comey is a self-interested political hack who has destroyed the credibility of the FBI, and his meaningless pronouncements only serve as fresh fodder for the fake news mills (yes, we’re talking about you, New York Times).

For the good of the country, we’d like to see Trump appoint a new director to the FBI as soon as possible. And to prove there are no hard feelings, we suggest he also appoint Comey to be director of the STFU.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Atomic Ache


“Hey Bill, is that a missile in your pocket or are you glad to see me?”

Nothing says “Monday” quite like the threat of imminent nuclear destruction from a diminutive, family-murdering psychopath. In this case, we’re referring to North Korea’s Kim Jong-un (also known as the “Pillsbury Dough Boy of Death”) who has declared that if a “single bullet is fired” by U.S. forces in Korea, they will nuke us into oblivion.

Even with a famously calm, cautious, and cool-headed President like Donald Trump delicately handling the crisis, it is at least a little bit worrisome to contemplate North Korea’s desire to wreak havoc on our nation and the world. Especially since they could quite possibly pull it off, thanks to our old friends Bill and Hillary Clinton.

As you may recall if you don’t get all your news from mainstream media, Hillary “That Glass Ceiling Is Thicker Than It Looks” Clinton and her husband raised tens of millions of dollars for their (ahem) “charitable foundation” by peddling State Department access and favors, as well as signing off on highly questionable deals like selling 20% of America’s uranium reserves to Russia.

But this was hardly new behavior for the gruesome twosome. Way back in 1996, when the Clintons were actually renting out the Lincoln bedroom for sleazy celebrity romps in return for campaign contributions, Bill struck a controversial deal (again for hefty campaign donations) to let the Loral Corporation sell advanced missile guidance technology to China.

After which, in a spontaneous burst of unbridled capitalism, China sold the technology to the lunatics running North Korea – a terrifying and entirely predictable outcome which the Clintons didn’t give a flying damn about as long as their illicit checks cleared. Some things never change.

And are Hillary’s supporters outraged over this? They are not – and probably wouldn’t be even if they’d heard of this existential nuclear threat and the attendant scandals (which they haven’t). Instead, they spent the weekend in breathless distress over reports that climate change could cause mammals to shrink by as much as 15%.

In this nightmarish scenario, horses would become the size of slightly smaller horses, Great Danes would become the size of regular Danes, and the average sociopathic asshole would be exactly the size of Kim Jong-un.

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Oh, The Arts and Humanities!
President Trump’s budget calls for the complete elimination of taxpayer funding for NPR radio, PBS television, and the National Endowment for the Arts. All of which were things that Adolf Hitler also did just before firing up the big ovens.

Or at least, that’s what the Left would have you believe. Personally, we’re delighted with the budget cuts and think they’re long overdue. According to the Neilsen ratings service, if PBS went off the air (unlikely, as only part of their budget comes from taxpayers), the average viewer would still have 188 channels to choose from. Likewise, there are plenty of free broadcast radio stations with which to replace NPR in the marketplace – not to mention tens of thousands of radio stations and podcasts available online.

As for the National Endowment for the Arts, we think it unlikely that art will stop being created or distributed by real artists just because the government checks dry up. But the faux artists, so loved by the Left, will stop getting huge paydays for dunking crucifixes in urine, and will instead go back to giving the police free samples of their whiz to test for drug use.

BONUS: THE WEARING OF THE GRIN

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Although you wouldn’t guess it from the Jarlsberg name, we actually have Irish blood thanks to a redheaded paternal grandfather who immigrated from County Cork. Once in America, he knocked up our grandmother (who apparently could have used a cork) out of wedlock, then scampered away like one of the elusive little people.

Leprechauns, that is. We’re not mocking the short-statured nor implying in any way that they’re a shifty and promiscuous lot, no matter what you’re heard.

The joke, however, was on O’Grandpa – as it turned out that his bastard son became a talented and delightful man and great father. We’ll be drinking a toast to his memory today, and hope you’ll join us in raising a glass! [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Open Megaphone Day

“Snowflakes should seek shelter in 5…4…3…2…”

Remember how we joked on Monday about how Daylight Savings Time messes with our mind? Well, we actually weren’t joking at all and we’re still in a walking coma. We look like Doc Brown from “Back to the Future” if he was appearing in one of those ads showing the longterm ravages of meth abuse.

That’s why we’re introducing an exciting new feature for everyone to enjoy on those occasions when, due to unavoidable circumstances (like our EEG flatlining), we can’t meet our own rigorously high standards of journalistic excellence. Specifically, we’re putting the burden on YOU to come up with interesting things to talk about in the comments section!

We’ll start you with several random thoughts to show how the game is played:

• Regarding the GOP healthcare plan, we think that hitching posts should be installed outside of emergency rooms so that when people show up who have chosen not to carry insurance, the providers can decline to provide treatment “for you and the horse you rode in on.”

• Kellyanne Conway, who frequently serves as interpreter when communicating President Trump’s ill-expressed thoughts to those who are fervor-impaired, recently stated that kitchen appliances like microwaves “can turn into cameras” to spy on people. In the future, we suggest that Kellyanne leave such wacky pronouncements in the microwave a lot longer, because they’re definitely coming out half-baked.

• MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow obtained Donald Trump’s taxes from 2005 and, after much huffing, puffing, and innuendo about “Russian oligarchs,” anticlimactically revealed that he paid $35 million in federal taxes that year (an effective rate of 25% – higher than that MSNBC paid) and the IRS found no wrongdoing whatsoever with his returns. Meaning that the only newsworthy part of the story is who committed a felony by leaking a private tax return…and how soon can we see Trump make an example of that individual?

And now, let’s hear from YOU! (Remember, to get to the comments section just click on the title of today’s post, or click on the number of comments just below the post).

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Spring Forward, Fall To Pieces

We’ll apologize in advance if today’s commentary lacks our usual snap, crackle, and pop, but we’re suffering from a severe case of Daylight Saving Time-induced brain fog.

#BlackCoffeeMatters, but no amount of that precious, steaming, life-giving liquid is enough to repair the grievous damage inflicted on our internal biorhythms by a cruel and uncaring government.

Oh sure, some people (whom we might be married to) can laugh it off, but for many of us the struggle is real. Especially if different clocks in the house are showing pre-DST time, DST time, and (in the case of Mrs. J’s bedroom alarm) DST time plus 20 minutes because she likes it that way and has never learned anything from old Frankenstein movies that show the disastrous folly of toying with Nature.

(We pause briefly for a sip from our fifth cup of coffee, and to strike a stunned, unmoving pose like a dopey version of Rodin’s “The Thinker” while trying to remember where words come from, how to string them together, and…uh…what were we talking about?)

Research, which we’re too damn tired to look up or link to, shows that there may well be no benefit from Daylight Saving Time whatsoever: not for farmers, not for school kids, not for energy savings, or anything else. That same research shows that after any Daylight Saving Time clock change, there are more heart attacks, more car crashes, and marked increases in stress and depression.

Even worse, there’s a lot more drooling on desks, although researchers don’t like to talk about it.

Recovering from this debilitating “time flu” generally takes us about two weeks. We were going to say “give or take an hour,” only this is no laughing matter except to those who are, unforgivably, naturally perky.

On the plus side, where we’re going the coffee will stay hot.