Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Trans Mission Problem

This actually makes way more sense than the Left wants to admit.

Donald Trump has issued an unsubtle new policy decision on Twitter, which could pretty much be the opening line of every news story we’re likely to see over the next four years.

In this case, he announced that transsexuals would no longer be allowed to join or serve in the military, and the Left is going out of its collective mind. This is hatred! Bigotry! Some kind of blatant sexism which is admittedly hard to define!

To which we say: baloney.

We’re not going to get into debating whether or not transsexuals are good people or bad people, patriotic or not, or which latrine they should use – because none of that is germane to the argument. What is germane is whether or not transsexuals have medical conditions and special needs which are unduly burdensome when it comes to the military branches completing their missions. And the answer is: yes, they do.

This is the same rationale which keeps many, many others with chronic medical conditions out of the military. And we’ll note that this does not keep motivated individuals from finding alternate ways to serve their country or communities.

Despite attempts to make this into a broader LGBT issue, it’s worth noting that Trump hasn’t banned gays or lesbians from service. He’s not concerned about someone’s sexual orientation, he’s concerned about their physical ability to complete missions – including at times when their medical conditions can’t be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk. [snip]

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Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Renegade Renovations

When the President of the United States calls you on the phone, you damn well listen…

“Stilt? Don. With all of this Russia crap, and let me tell you it IS crap, because I’ve seen some very, very bad crap in my day and this crap is much, much worse. Much much. It’s crap! Where was I?”

“Russian crap.”

“Right – the stupid lying fake news media is using it to bury my agenda. I can’t get my big ideas out there. Spicer was a great guy, great guy, but he wasn’t getting it done. So he’s over. Back to the minors.”

“How can I help?”

“I want to draw attention to one American family being made great again, as they hire American laborers to completely rebuild their humble and outdated middle-class home and make it great again! Even MSNBC will eat it up! It’s all about the pictures. And Stilt – I want those to be pictures of you.”

“Me, Mr. President?! But why?

“Many, many good reasons. You don’t look like a rich guy, you look like a schlub. But a hot wife. Very hot. Too good for you, frankly. And people love that whole dynamic. “What the hell has he got that we don’t know about,” they’ll ask themselves. And then there’s your crumbling house. When was the last time you remodeled it?”

“30 years ago.”

“Perfect. We’ll say Carter broke your heart and you haven’t recovered your confidence till now. Been a mental wreck. When people see your picture they’ll buy it. Totally. Totally.”

“So, uh, what do you want me to do?”

“You’ll be the new focus of “Make An American House Great Again.” You’ll share every detail of upgrading your sad little home while energizing the economy with seemingly endless construction bills.”

“But…this will cost tens of thousands of dollars, Mr. President! Where will I get that kind of money?!”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve got that money in your Russian bank account if you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. So will you do it, Stilt? For Me, for Melania, and for America?”

“Of course, Mr. President. I’ll get right on it.”

“And as a little thank you, none of your readers will ever get audited again. But that’s way off the books. Hush-hush stuff. Loose lips sink ships. Zip it. Ix-nay. Turn the lock and throw away the key.”

“Understood. I won’t let you down, Mr. President.”

“You never have, Stilt. God bless you, you never have.” [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Knife Guys Finish First

OJ Simpson will be a free man in October (he’ll be the big trick-or-treater in the Michael Myers mask) thanks to a parole board’s decision to let him out early for committing armed robbery because he had “no prior criminal convictions.”

Wow.

Of course, he did have a prior civil conviction, in which he was found to be responsible for brutally chopping up former wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. But apparently the parole board didn’t consider that salient in making their determination that Simpson probably constitutes no threat to any member of the general public unless they piss OJ off.  [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Back to Healthcare Reform School

If history repeats itself, we might as well do the same thing – which is why we’re recycling this cartoon and commentary from earlier this year (3/27/17)…

Now that healthcare reform reform has failed, two groups of people are celebrating. Those who love Obamacare the most, and those who hate Obamacare the most.

At this point, it’s moot to debate the relative virtues or failures of the proposed GOP bill, but we are going to take strong exception to the idea that if the healthcare system is allowed to completely collapse in the next few years (which Trump is enthusiastically tweeting as a “plan”), that America’s sick, dying, overcharged, and uninsured will blame the out-of-power Democrats for having created Obamacare, rather than the fat and happy Republican legislators who stood around this national bonfire roasting marshmallows and making s’mores.

Put another way, when our healthcare system fails the voters will not reward the party that did nothing (even if the reasons were good), but will instead flock to the party that promises a quick and all encompassing fix – namely, a single-payer “Medicare For All” plan.

That’s going to be the Democrats, which is hardly surprising: Obamacare was designed to fail after destroying the free market health insurance system, thereby leaving fully socialized medicine as the only viable alternative. And the Dems knew human nature well enough to understand that this would assure their party power.

Think we’re wrong? Just ask yourself – if you were the patient in the cartoon above, who would you blame? The former doctor who misdiagnosed you, or the current doctor who says he’ll watch you suffer and die because it’s the easiest way for him to remain blameless? [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we’re introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called “The Jarlsberg Diaries,” in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) “news.” [snip]

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Incredibility Gap

We’re not delving deeply into the latest developments of this cockeyed non-story, but we just thought it was worth mentioning that Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian attorney with whom Donald Trump Jr. briefly met, must have been living in a Siberian cave for the last couple of decades if she wasn’t able to offer up some plausible dirt on Hillary.

Seriously, if we’d met with Trump Jr, we could have talked for hours about Hillary’s myriad scandals and misdeeds. The fact that Veselnitskaya couldn’t and didn’t only lends additional credibility to the idea that she was more likely an operative representing Loretta Lynch and Barack Obama than Vladimir Putin.

BONUS: MIND IN THE GUTTER

First things first: we’re not making a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics. We have good friends who are participants and we’ve celebrated their impressive accomplishments.

We’re not even making a joke about Michelle Obama, who was at the Espy Awards presenting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver in honor of the work she did in founding the Special Olympics and working with those who have special needs. The former first lady did a fine job, and the cause was deserving.

What we are having a bit of trouble with is again associating the Obama name with the Special Olympics after Barack, that smug and smarmy SOB, once likened his bowling ability to that of Special Olympics participants as a cheap shot to get laughs.

Not a major story, certainly – but as we head into the weekend, isn’t it nice to appreciate the fact that neither Hillary nor Barry is in the White House these days?

Stilton’s Place

Stilton’s Place

Deliberate Pravda-cation

Don’t worry – even though Busty looks like a cuddlesome Cossack, she’s as patriotic as ever. And we think she may be on to something with this new look…

Clearly the Left is never going to let go of the assertion that Donald Trump somehow conspired with the evil Russians to steal the election from Saint Hillary. And it’s driving them crazy that they can’t prove it (and never will). But as the long as the idea upsets them so much, shouldn’t we all be doing our part to help feed their paranoia and frustration until it reaches the absolute breaking point?

If you’re a known Trump supporter being surveilled by your liberal friends and coworkers, this can be as easy as giving your wardrobe a Moscow makeover, riding to work bare-chested on a stallion, keeping a bottle of vodka on your desk, and wishing everyone a cheery “do svidanya” when leaving the room.

Look around suspiciously before using the copy machine. Frequently pretend to check your lamps, chairs, computers, and framed pictures for electronic bugs. When speaking on the phone, use “da” and “nyet” instead of “yes” and “no.” [snip]