Jewish Humor

Moshe, a travel agent, looks up from his desk and sees an old lady and an old gentleman peering into his shop window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world. Moshe has had a very good week and the two sad people outside his window give him a rare feeling of generosity.

He calls them into his shop and says to them, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He takes them to his desk and tells his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They gladly accept and within days are on their way.

About a month later the little old lady comes into Moshe’s shop.

“So nu? How did you like your holiday?” Moshe asks her eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” the old lady replies. “I’ve come to thank you. But one thing puzzles me.
Who was that alte kacker I had to share the room with?”

Jewish Humor

A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Shop talking about all their ailments.

“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you,” said an elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”

Seniors: 2017 Resolutions and things

We seniors need to stick together over some of these things. If you find the guys in white coats and wagons coming to the front door, make sure you have a back door.

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go in 2017.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. OK, cheese too. All right, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu: Throw it in the trash. Grill some meat

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 4 hours and 8 minutes. Do they really expect that little food to last 14 days?

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….unnh, where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

November 6, 2016 was the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Jewish Humor

90 year old Becky wins a Sony Radio at the Senior Citizens luncheon sponsored by her local shul. She is so happy that she writes the following letter to her Rabbi to say thank you:

Dear Rabbi Schwartzkoff
God bless you and your committee for your kindness in making available the radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. As you probably know, I’m 90 years old and live at the Nightingale Jewish Home for the Aged, and as I’m the only member of my family still alive, it’s nice to know that someone is still thinking of me.
My 95 year old roommate Rivka has always had her own radio, but has never let me listen to it, even when she’s sleeping or out of the room. So when the other day her radio fell off the stand and broke, she started crying.
Her distress touched me and I knew this was Hashem’s way of answering my prayers. So when Rivka eventually asked me if she could listen to my radio, I told her to kish mir in tuchas.
Thank you all for creating that opportunity for me.

shul: synagogue
Hashem: God
kish mir in tuchas: kiss my bottom

Jewish Humor

Leah, a 70 year old bubbeh, is on a tube train taking her granddaughter out for the day when she meets her friend Judith.

“Hello Leah,” says Judith, “Is this the granddaughter you’ve been telling me about?”

“Yes Judith, she certainly is,” replies Leah.

“I can’t help noticing what a beautiful girl she is,” says Judith, “and what a fantastic smile she has. So what’s her name?”

“Her name is Shelly,” replies Leah, kvelling.

“That’s a lovely name,” says Judith. “I suppose she was named after the famous English poet?”

“I don’t know,” replies Leah. “I didn’t know that Shelly Temple was a poet.”

bubbeh: grandmother
kvelling: gushing with pride

Jewish Humor

Leah and Sarah meet in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. They are old friends and both have been married to their husbands for a long time.

“Nu, how are things with you Sarah?” asks Leah.

“Not too good really,” Sarah replies. “I’m feeling quite low because I don’t think Robert finds me attractive anymore.”

“Why? How do you know this?” asks Leah.

“Because as I get older,” replies Sarah, “he bothers less and less to look at me. When I was younger, he couldn’t take his eyes off me.”

“I feel so sorry for you,” says Leah. “As I get older, my David says I get more and more beautiful each day.”

“Yes,” replies Sarah, “but don’t forget David is an antique dealer!”

Jewish Humor

Moshe and Shlomo, two alter kockers living in a Hampstead retirement home, are sitting quietly next to each other in the main lounge when Moshe decides to get a drink.
He tries very hard to get up from his chair. He pushes on his arms and soon he’s straining, grunting, groaning and shaking all over.
Finally, after nearly a minute of effort, he rises from his chair, stops for a while to catch his breath and then starts shuffling along towards the door.

As he begins to move away, Shlomo shouts over to him, “Moshe, what’s the big hurry?”