Alta kacker fears

Growing old in America

 

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

  • I was born white, which now,whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
  • I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.
  • I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.
  • I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
  • I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.
  • I am older than 50, which makes me a bit less than I used to be.
  • I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
  • I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
  • I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
  • I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
  • I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
  • Recently, a sick old woman called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables”.
  • I need to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found challenges in my life and my thinking!
  • I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!
  • Funny . . . it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
  • And if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with. I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!
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Observations

Irma is now a rainy zephyr annoying those in northern Georgia and Tennessee.

With that the stolid denizens of Florida are emerging from their lairs, scurrying around, searching for the omnipresent ‘Early Bird Dinner’.

Easily recognizable by their plumage, they are undaunted by nature’s mayhem as they meander from Cracker Barrel to Golden Corral exploring new platters of victuals.Some have been known to nosh themselves across the state.

Saturday Night at the Senior Home

All looked forward to the weekly entertainment and especially a new guest…

The Hypnotist at a Senior’s Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke. The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens’ Center.

And, Claude was never invited back again.

Jewish Humor

Moshe, a travel agent, looks up from his desk and sees an old lady and an old gentleman peering into his shop window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world. Moshe has had a very good week and the two sad people outside his window give him a rare feeling of generosity.

He calls them into his shop and says to them, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He takes them to his desk and tells his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They gladly accept and within days are on their way.

About a month later the little old lady comes into Moshe’s shop.

“So nu? How did you like your holiday?” Moshe asks her eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” the old lady replies. “I’ve come to thank you. But one thing puzzles me.
Who was that alte kacker I had to share the room with?”

Jewish Humor

A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Shop talking about all their ailments.

“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad, I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you,” said an elderly lady.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said a woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”

Seniors: 2017 Resolutions and things

We seniors need to stick together over some of these things. If you find the guys in white coats and wagons coming to the front door, make sure you have a back door.

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go in 2017.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. OK, cheese too. All right, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu: Throw it in the trash. Grill some meat

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 4 hours and 8 minutes. Do they really expect that little food to last 14 days?

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….unnh, where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

November 6, 2016 was the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Jewish Humor

90 year old Becky wins a Sony Radio at the Senior Citizens luncheon sponsored by her local shul. She is so happy that she writes the following letter to her Rabbi to say thank you:

Dear Rabbi Schwartzkoff
God bless you and your committee for your kindness in making available the radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. As you probably know, I’m 90 years old and live at the Nightingale Jewish Home for the Aged, and as I’m the only member of my family still alive, it’s nice to know that someone is still thinking of me.
My 95 year old roommate Rivka has always had her own radio, but has never let me listen to it, even when she’s sleeping or out of the room. So when the other day her radio fell off the stand and broke, she started crying.
Her distress touched me and I knew this was Hashem’s way of answering my prayers. So when Rivka eventually asked me if she could listen to my radio, I told her to kish mir in tuchas.
Thank you all for creating that opportunity for me.
Becky

shul: synagogue
Hashem: God
kish mir in tuchas: kiss my bottom