Irish Humor

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus​ flight from ​Dublin​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up… One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service…, I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and…, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals… truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued…, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later… “If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

Irish Humor

Barney and Sean drove into a lumberyard.
Sean walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

Sean said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, “Yeah, that’s what I meant, two-by-fours.”

“Alright. How long do you need them?”

Sean paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After awhile, he returned to the office and said, “A long time I think, we’re building a house.”

Irish Humor

Malachy, a building contractor, was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.

He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. ” This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” Malachy said.

“I know,” the owner said. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

Malachy said impatiently…. “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

Irish Humor

An Irishman has been at a pub drinking all night.
The barman finally closes the bar. The Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. The man decides to crawl outside and get some sobering fresh air.

After sitting a spell, soaking up fresh air, the man decides to go home. Again, falls flat on his face and decides to crawl home. After reaching his front door he stands up only to fall again so he crawls through the door and up the stairs and into bed.

He is awakes the next morning by the sound of his wife’s shouting. As the man opens his eyes his wife is accusing him of being out all night drinking again. With a shameful face he asks how she knows. She tells him the pub called to tell him to come round and collect his wheelchair.

Irish Humor

A Cuban, a Scot, a Mexican, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.

The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.

He says, “I’m from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home.”

The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey!

He replies, “I’m Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of Jameson, a aged classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of Irish whiskey, he replies, “I’m Mexican, I have a thousand of those back home.”

The Irish then grabs the Mexican and throws him out the window.

Irish Humor

Murphy is visiting his brother in Derry when he takes very ill.

With that he’s taken to a unknown clinic.

Doctor: “What is it that’s brought you here?”

Murphy: “An ambulance. Why?”

Irish Humor

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word ‘manyana’.

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means “maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?”

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

“No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency,” replied Brennan.