Jewish Humor

“Oy! Am I getting worried about my memory,” says 75 year old Renee to her best friend Judith.

“Nu, so why is that?” asks Judith.

“Because every time I go online banking,” replies Renee, “I just don’t seem to be able to remember my bank’s password. I have to try many times before I enter the right code. Do you have such broigus?”

“No I don’t, Renee,” replies Judith. “I’ve found a way around such problems.”

“So what do you do then?” asks Renee.

“I changed my password to ‘INCORRECT’,” replies Judith. “Then, if I enter a different code, my computer tells me, “Your password is incorrect.”

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Jewish Humor

Jonathan is talking to his friend Joshua.
“I hear that you’ve just bought your very first computer, Joshua. How are you getting on with it? Have you tried out Google yet?”

“I don’t need to use Google,” replies Joshua.

“Really?” says Jonathan. “So why is that?”

“Because my wife Rachel knows everything,” replies Joshua.

Jewish Humor

Speaking of Yiddish

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, “Farshtayn Yiddish?”

The man answers, “Yes, Ich Farshtay.”

Sadie then says, “Vot Time it Is?”

Jewish Humor

Some Phyllis Diller Quotes:

  • Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  • The reason why most women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never want to wear the same outfit in public.
  • The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford, then I want to move in with them.
  • Most children threaten at times to run away from home. But fortunately this is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  • We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • I admit that I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40 miles away.
  • Tranquilizers only work if you follow the advice on the bottle – Keep away from children.
  • The reason why the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so that you can’t see him laughing.

Jewish Humor

A good Chasidic family based in North London is most concerned that their 30-year-old son Paul is still unmarried. So, they call a shadchen and ask him to help find Paul a good wife.

The shadchen comes over to their house and spends a long time questioning Paul and his parents as to what they want in a wife and daughter-in-law. So they give him a long shopping list of requirements. The shadchen takes a long time reading and thinking, and finally asks to visit the family again.

6 weeks later, the shadchen returns to their house and tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she’s just the right age for Paul. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends shul, knows the prayers by heart, and she’s a wonderful cook. She also loves children and wants a large family. And to crown it all off, she’s gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But Paul pauses and asks inappropriately: ‘Is she also good in bed?’

The shadchen replies, ‘Some say yes, some say no….’

Chasid: A member of an orthodox religious sect
shadchen: a marriage broker
shul: Synagogue

Jewish Humor

David, a top company executive, has just delivered an important speech to his Board of Directors and is very, very angry.

As soon as he returns home, he takes his iPhone from his pocket and calls his dance teacher Rachel, as it was she who had kindly agreed to write the speech for him.

As soon as Rachel answers his call, David says to her, “Rachel, I’m sorry to have to tell you but that speech you wrote for me was terrible. It was far too long. The first half was fine, but the second half was so dull and boring that some of the Directors actually walked out on me.”

“But David,” says Rachel, “I gave you two copies of that speech in case you mislaid it.”

Jewish Humor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in the Nightingale Nursing Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the older person and say, “could you please empty the bathtub as quickly as you can.”

“Oh, now I understand,” I said to the doctor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” said the doctor. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed in Nightingale near the window?”

WELL? ARE YOU GOING TO PASS ON THIS TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?