Day by Day

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Dining out

On the web at one time was a photo of a sign out side a Chinese restaurant saying “No ask, we no see you cat!” Obviously they were pestered by some jokers.

However in NY City, the Board of Health did close a couple of Chinese restaurants where they did find cats in the refrigerators. So there is something in the humor.

Suppose you order the house specialty, Sum Ting Yu tink and you get a wonderful arrangement of meat and vegetables from fish to maybe pork. Sated, you drink your tea, and get your fortune cookie.

And Surprise!Cat Fortune cookie

VERMONT STATE PROFESSIONAL ENGINEER EXAM

Licensing BoardWe are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in Vermont. We challenge any so-called smart-ass Flatlanders to take this exam administered by the “Woodchuck Professional Engineer Licensing Department”:

  1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a pine tree that will support a 10-pound porcupine.
  2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet, a ’67 Chevelle, or a ’64 Pontiac GTO.
  3. If your uncle builds a still that produces 20 gallons of hooch per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
  4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be consumed before the trees are cut down?
  5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
  6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many washing machines will be damaged?
  7. A man owns a house in Middlebury and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
  8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 9000 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
  9. A sawmill operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mill employs 120 people per shift. A dust warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
  10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town without Interstate access to breed a Progressive?

Seeking a job

This dude strolled into the local employment office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I really want a job.”

The clerk responded, “Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nineteen-year-old daughter.

You’ll have to drive her around in their Mercedes; the uniform suits, shirts, and ties are provided and must be worn.

The hours are long, so with this job, meals and an apartment will be provided. Also, you will be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday trips.

The salary package starts at $95,000.00 per year with bonuses and annual raises.

The man said, “Say bitch, you’re bullshitting me!”

The clerk said, “Yeah, but you started this crap.”

Irish Humor

Shamus walked into a bar, got the bartender’s attention and breathlessly told him to line up 10 shot glasses of Jameson.

As fast as the barman poured, Shamus tossed them all 10 down.

The bartender said. “Dead God,I’ve never seen an Irishman drink like that before.”

Shamus told him he’d drink like that too, if the bartender had what he had.

“Oh you poor lad, what do ye have?”, inquired the barman.

“Two dollars!” said Shamus.

Is the New AG a Chia Pet

Obama’s selection for AGChia pet

Moms against everything

Congo crowd kills man, eats him after militant massacres

A crowd stoned to death a young man in northeast Congo on Friday before burning and eating his corpse, witnesses said, in apparent revenge for a series of attacks by Ugandan rebels.

The incident in the town of Beni followed a number of overnight raids in the area blamed on the Islamist group ADF-NAUL, who are thought to have massacred more than 100 people this month, using hatchets and machetes to kill their victims. [snip]

FLOTUS issues a statement condemning caloric intake in Congo

Michelle Obama reiterated her guidelines for portion control and composition. she decried the lack of cheese and veggies in the meal.