Stilton’s Place

Renegade Renovations

When the President of the United States calls you on the phone, you damn well listen…

“Stilt? Don. With all of this Russia crap, and let me tell you it IS crap, because I’ve seen some very, very bad crap in my day and this crap is much, much worse. Much much. It’s crap! Where was I?”

“Russian crap.”

“Right – the stupid lying fake news media is using it to bury my agenda. I can’t get my big ideas out there. Spicer was a great guy, great guy, but he wasn’t getting it done. So he’s over. Back to the minors.”

“How can I help?”

“I want to draw attention to one American family being made great again, as they hire American laborers to completely rebuild their humble and outdated middle-class home and make it great again! Even MSNBC will eat it up! It’s all about the pictures. And Stilt – I want those to be pictures of you.”

“Me, Mr. President?! But why?”

“Many, many good reasons. You don’t look like a rich guy, you look like a schlub. But a hot wife. Very hot. Too good for you, frankly. And people love that whole dynamic. “What the hell has he got that we don’t know about,” they’ll ask themselves. And then there’s your crumbling house. When was the last time you remodeled it?”

“30 years ago.”

“Perfect. We’ll say Carter broke your heart and you haven’t recovered your confidence till now. Been a mental wreck. When people see your picture they’ll buy it. Totally. Totally.”

“So, uh, what do you want me to do?”

“You’ll be the new focus of “Make An American House Great Again.” You’ll share every detail of upgrading your sad little home while energizing the economy with seemingly endless construction bills.”

“But…this will cost tens of thousands of dollars, Mr. President! Where will I get that kind of money?!”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve got that money in your Russian bank account if you know what I mean. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. So will you do it, Stilt? For Me, for Melania, and for America?”

“Of course, Mr. President. I’ll get right on it.”

“And as a little thank you, none of your readers will ever get audited again. But that’s way off the books. Hush-hush stuff. Loose lips sink ships. Zip it. Ix-nay. Turn the lock and throw away the key.”

“Understood. I won’t let you down, Mr. President.”

“You never have, Stilt. God bless you, you never have.” [snip]