They took away our soap-on-a-rope when we made a little noose.
Today marks the first day of early voting in Texas, and Hope n’ Change had no intention of letting the opportunity to vote against Hillary Clinton slip by. Oh sure, we could have waited for Election Day, but what if we were hit by a bus, a meteor, or an assassin employed by the Clinton Family Foundation?
Right up until the last minute, we had extreme reservations about voting for Trump. The man is a disaster of the first order – but at least there’s a scintilla of hope that he might head a worthwhile team. And even if he doesn’t, at least it’s a relatively safe bet that he would be a highly disruptive force in a political/moral quagmire which desperately needs disruption.
In order to cast our vote, we had to ask ourselves if there was anything imaginable which might come out in the next couple of weeks that would keep us from voting for Trump over Hillary. And the answer is no. He would have to be proved responsible for raping more women, causing more deaths, extorting more funds, revealing more national secrets, and forging more secret alliances with America’s sworn enemies than the Clintons have. Frankly, we don’t think that’s even theoretically possible.
Additionally, we wanted to vote early to show our resentment for the way the media has conducted itself during this election cycle. Every day, new scandals are coming out about Hillary (any one of which would sink most candidates) but they’re quickly buried by the mainstream media. Instead, we’re given sensationalistic news stories about a female porn star coming forward to accuse Trump of offending her womanly sensibilities by giving her a quick hug and a kiss over a decade ago.
Oh, please. This is a woman whose theatrical specialty is [CAUTION: you may want to skip directly to the next paragraph. Be warned that you can never un-read the following words] something called an “anal creampie.” And we’re supposed to believe that this gentle flower is still having nightmares about getting a kiss from Donald Trump?! Unlike her seamy day job, at least a quick peck from the Trumpster won’t make it impossibly painful for her to ride a unicycle.
Enough is enough.
This is not the election we hoped to see in 2016, and these are damn sure not the candidates we wanted to choose between. Even after 8 years of Barack Hussein Obama, we took no real pleasure in casting our vote…other than imagining the horror-stricken faces of those on the Left if Trump somehow wins.
If that happens, liberals will finally know the pain that we have felt for 8 long years. And know why we don’t ride unicycles.